Saturday, 5 April 2014

Reprieve


It terrifies me to think that I may not have learnt my lesson and that I may be repeating history once again. Who am I kidding?

Sunday, 23 March 2014

The ship is safe in harbour, but is that what the damn ship is for?


Deep in the obscured foliage, it built layers upon layers to conceal the glade upon where it stood; it tucked itself away, not sealed but rather, it stood firmly and unfazed despite the deafening tumult threatening to shake its very core and sweep it away. As the layers collected, contrary to its true intent, it became more stifled, in an attempt to shelter and preserve its very endowments. Its true disposition started to fade beyond the facade of the foliage as a result of all the ripples have come to shadow it forth and the more they spread, the more it retreated into the glade within the foliage. There it lay, dormant and unscathed, but slowly fading away as the traces of time have slowly worn it out, unrealisingly so, and it stood on the verge of crumbling.

It once stood proudly and conceivably free of those layers. All that encompassed it were enigmatic and more often than not, they spread their wings boldly to the same rhythm that resounded and shared the same intricacies. It stood as a glass wall, transparent and unhiding, clear as dawn for all to see. But inevitably, certain changes are inescapable and the elements of its very atmosphere were slowly replaced by foreign actualities, much more so that they were of a different rhythm, void of resonance. It learned to condition itself and in doing so, its glassy being, unyielding and unable to succumb to a different constancy began to hold itself back, and in doing so it imposed upon itself a superficial facade, subtly rippling a feigned air to conform. In the past, it has often tried unfurl its true disposition to the various comportments that surrounded it but on many attempts, it was not met on an equal bearing. It wasn't that it was unmatched, it was merely the clashing encounter of perpetual complexity and effortless simplicity. It learned to balance itself better but there was always the need to manifest in the present and over time, the clear glass began to fog up in its efforts to accommodate all else.

But what if it were to unveil itself more often once again, despite the insurmountable odds that stood against it? What if it was merely waiting for the right time to do so? But when, if not now? What if something amazing was to happen, like it always used to because it was not easily unnerved by all that stood within its circumference? Then again, the circumstances back then were always such that those within its circumference were of the same resonance. But what if it were to leave concealment harbour without inhibitions and take reign of its present in its true disposition? What if all these what ifs were to manifest into the present instead of remaining as mere wonderments? Do I dare to tip the present, or disturb the universe?

MAN DO I DARE TO THE MOVE THE DAMN SHIP OUT OF THE HARBOUR?

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Cassandra micro-updates

Falling back into lacklustre habits in updating my blog. So in the past 2 weeks:

  • Realisation that when assignments pile up the stress you derive is all in the head because once I finished some of them the world seems a lot less bleaker-
  • - and that whenever my productivity graph is exponential, when I finally finish my assignments I start to burn out a little bit and procrastinate/compromise time doing unproductive things when I really should be working on my newly bestowed pile of assignments-
  • - like the essay for the competition I signed up for with a couple of my friends - right now this little time-consuming debate is going in my head: "Essay vs. External Environment Analysis which one to do one is due on Thursday one is due next week but if I finish the EE Analysis I will have peace of mind to type the essay but then again the essay is due this Thursday" - this seems to be a pervasive problem for me every semester.
  • Started writing for Toonari Post: E-mail me at cassandra.ong@toonaripost.com if anything!
  • Coordinated my wardrobe for St. Patrick's Day per usual but did not go drinking this year because I am sacrificing my social life for all the aforementioned with the exception of the one directly above.

  • Tried to find time to read (I REALLY MISS READING YOU KNOW) but unfortunately the odds just aren't in my favour.
  • Played a little bit of A Link to the Past for some stress relief - it's strange how that game is still calming for me even after so many years and I still felt the same excitement I did back when I started playing it as a kid.
  • I will never cease listening to Celtic music and it's still a pet peeve of mine when people pronounce Celtic as "Seltic" unless of course you're referring the to the basketball team but in the event that you're not it's "KELTIC".
  • Got addicted to the 2048 mini-game thanks to feliciousx and it was life-ruiningly fun. So basically at this point: Business School 0 Everything Else On The Sides 1
In my next update I will most probably rue the form in which I chose to update this post. 

Saturday, 8 March 2014

Cassandra updates

 

I am now experiencing the fleeting period of calm before the harsh and immediate transition into a cycle of being overwhelmingly engaged. At this stage it no longer feels like a reprieve (you develop an immunity over the years and your capacity stretches) but rather, I welcome it with open arms. I have also lost the ability to feel the holiday mood ever since I finished SPM many years ago.

Everything has been moving at a rollercoaster pace since I last updated, there were many highs but also many lows, which were truly humbling. I travelled to KK for the first time in life (and debunked all the opinions regarding it people have given prior to that), organised my first teh tarik session for TFM, inserts many more activities and reading Neil Gaiman is no exception to this, had some realisations (I appreciate nice eyebrows) and harsh reminders (I am the terrible kind of inebriated) and in the midst of all that had my wallet stolen. What precious time that was reserved for "me time" culminated in my various jaunts to various bureaucracies to get paperwork done. Also, there is a quaint sort of gratification that comes with replacing all the cards in my wallet - it is much like retrieving bits of my identity (I had an identity crisis when I lost all means of tangible identification). To the person who stole my wallet: I forgive you but at the same time you're a lucky b_tch because my various MRT/public transportation cards are worth a lot. Use them well please.

Per usual, I am struggling to find time to read and lately, more increasingly so. I can never seem to linger around and read for 2 hour due to the nature of my schedule (I doubt I'll be able to do so even during the holidays).

I really should get back to my work now. I also find it ironic that I am more eloquent when I am batshit sad inside.

P.S. Have you seen the promo for How To Train Your Dragon 2? Hot damn puberty was certainly in Hiccup's favour.

P.P.S. I NEED TO READ A BOOK.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Closure



I used to blame the strains of my past for the discrepancies that have manifested in my present. Much like the tide of the wave, which slowly beaches the shores, I allowed the events of my past that have scarred my very being to ripple over all my judgments, tide by tide, wave upon wave, even upon all the beings that I have come to cross. Eventually they became a distant memory, tucked within the deepest reaches of my mind, left to be forgotten. But given the nature of its suppression, it bred negativity and created a new skepticism in my spirit which was ever-present and unyielding. Such was its acuity that I trusted people less, I lost more faith in humanity and my spirit no longer yearned to soar. Its wings were broken, and I became more suspicious of people, leaving my spirit wary and constantly vigilant. This negativity started to impinge upon my very core and it left my disposition often harsh and uncompromising. Never did it occur to me, not even once, to take a jaunt down the turbulence of my past to revisit the very circumstances that brought forth the very demons that often reared their head.

In the past few days, I have had the opportunity to reaccess all that I have safely tucked behind, so safely tucked that it has never even threatened to tip over to the forefront of my mind. It's so strange that this time round, I am here, unscathed and actually happy. Naturally, stepping foot in this very environment awakened war flashbacks of the very chaos that reigned its facade in the past.

And words. Words are strange aren't they? Certain words evoke the deepest memories so it was only strange that the very word that triggered the traumatising trip down my past was never uttered, even in the slightest degree within my vicinity for the past couple of years. It was the unlikeliest moment of my life - the utterance of the very word "explode" coupled by my flashbacks finally elicited the closure I have always been searching for. For once, the demons were laid to rest. I have finally found the close to all the discords that have taken rein, after fleeting around like a transient being for what was seemingly perpetual. And thank you for that, my good friend.

Now, there is this old and rekindled spirit that yearns to soar.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Self-reminder

Here's a reminder to myself to learn to say no - and hopefully not crash and burn. :)

Happy Chinese New Year!

Monday, 27 January 2014

Structure

Something I ought to do better this year. My thought patterns are simply organised chaos, that one train threatening to alternate to different interchanges at all times - it is much like chasing a sea of different fishes, you know where which fish will end up at but you get tangled in the myriad of disorder. I keep chasing that one fish only to see another fish in sight, and then I pursue said fish but back to the train - so while my train does not derail, the interchanges paralyse me with a cluster of ideas and then it becomes difficult to externalise them properly because well, where to start? Perhaps my focus is too wide. So many brilliant ideas have become forgotten due to said force of habit - nasty nasty nasty.

So something I need to do: Refocus my thoughts. Here is a picture of my thought process with the red points indicating ideas lost in the junkyard because I keep jumping from one idea to another:


How mortifying.