Those infinitesimal specks of stars
embodied by your hopes and dreams
Drifting irresolutely
To meander with such hollowness
without even the hint of a spark
But I quietly gather them into glass-stained jars
filling the emptiness within their marred worlds
Hoping that the solace they seek
Even in the most decrepit of corners
Will be met
As they light up in the darkest of nights
If you would let me.
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
Monday, 27 May 2013
These times a-changin'
Back to square one. I thought journalism was my thing but now I'm not so sure. It's almost June now and for the past year and a half I've been struggling with what most aspiring authors struggle with - trying to find your writing style or rather, writing voice. My blog has been subjected to various forms of experimental writing in that timespan which are by far but not limited to attempts at beautiful writing, pure fiction or just straight talk. I do enjoy wordplay, reading and writing though. I think I was always meant to study the arts. If I were the Education Minister, I would abolish the system of streaming students who don't do as well into the arts stream because it's not holistic learning. People should be allowed to choose what they want to study and the result of our education system is more often than not, science students who study commerce or the arts (you're looking at one here). Thanks to the system, arts is further stigmatised by parents who are extremely kiasu and it annoys me to no end to tell these parents that arts is useful (and beautiful) in its own sense.
Then there comes the matter of debate. I have stopped debating for more than a year now at this point. Likewise, I thought debate was my thing but this time, I'm certain that it isn't. Not anymore. Despite that my debating days were some of the best days I've admittedly had because people were open to the discourse of various ideas without any inhibitions, the same inhibitions created by the culture of fear in our society or the lack of openness. I didn't have to worry about people constantly bringing religion into the picture either when discussing about various matters because everything was discussed in a context that was religion-free, in and out of debater unless we were having a religious debate. I was also less of a headless chicken in those days because I constantly scrutinised myself to ensure that I would not deteriorate into that mental state. Honestly, I was more or less that headless chicken 3 days prior to polling day because by now, any Malaysian would tell you that politics here plays on emotions rather than policy-making. Heck, I even signed the White House Administration petition. I did regret it for awhile but in my defence, it was an act that felt largely symbolic. I wasn't expecting anything from it because petitions on the website are strictly for those with fundamental rights as a U.S. citizen so it wasn't even legitimate to begin with but rather, it's there to garner international attention. *hears background clamour about Malaysia being placed in the spotlight for the wrong reasons again* Also, there were a lot of talks regarding the U.S. exploiting us because as a friend of mine asked: How has any country with oil benefited from U.S.A at all? To begin with, we're a moderate Muslim country friendly to the U.S.A. so doesn't it seem unlikely that the U.S.A. will just exploit our newly elected government? I think I should also add that there aren't many Muslim countries that enjoy a similar position.
At the time of typing this, I've just finished reading Kee Thuan Chye's No More Bullshit, Please, We're All Malaysians. To be honest, I like the last chapter which shed some light on his life and where he's coming from better compared to the political bits (despite being mindblown from the Baling Talks revelation). I have so much respect for Mr. Kee. I don't have many Malaysian role models besides the likes Hannah Yeoh, Yeoh Bee Yin, Saifuddin Abdullah or Farish A. Noor so I guess I can add another one to the list now. Mr. Kee isn't a role model in my book for his works (though they're good) but rather, his values as an individual. He strictly believes in holding journalism integrity and there are many instances when he hands down defied his superiors because he felt that what ensued politically at that point of time wasn't sound. He also reminded me once again of the power of journalism and its ability to move masses. When has journalism failed to move masses? Whatever they choose to write or omit is their version of the truth to the society. Journalists are dangerous people to stifling entities. Think of the revolutions in this world that journalists have inspired. In the Malaysian context, think about the awareness Sin Chiew Jit Poh has created. I do wish that there were other forms of media in English or Bahasa Malaysia so that I would be able to read and understand what is being written because I can't even read Mandarin to save my life. Then again, the catch is that when media is printed in form that is largely understood by the masses, the stifling entities feel more need to scrutinise them.
So yes, I have been feeling extremely restless after the elections. It isn't only after that, I've been feeling restless the whole time and that sense of restlessness only intensified post-GE13. I have tried to be one of those people who are contented and sit still with consumerism or other things to fulfill themselves but it isn't me. Despite consumerism being a Malaysian past-time, I don't buy it. Of course, I am guilty of buying good books (positive consumerism) and games (negative consumerism?) in the same manner that my friends shop for clothes (negative consumerism?) but at the end of the day I still don't feel fulfilled. I agree with what Mr. Kee said regarding most Malaysians being intellectually shallow due to the push towards consumerism and that there is less focus on cultural sustenance. Isn't there more to life than just mere shopping? This blog is also witness to the restlessness I've been feeling (wow it's been 8 years! Of restlessness.) as shown by my tendency to import, export, delete posts and also the constant relinking it has been a victim of abuse to. Since your blog is pretty much an extension of yourself or how you want the world to perceive you (I try to be as truthful as possible, so far so good), it only goes to show how restless I have been feeling!
In any case, I've been trying to justify why I feel that sort of restlessness in the past few weeks and what I've realised also justifies why I have commitment issues (not in the relationship sense!). To begin with, I have a long and consistent history of not committing to a club for more than a year. Try asking either one of my high school friends. I won't launch into a detailed explanation of the many clubs or societies I have joined and quit in the past many years of my life but I am struck by the realisation that I will only commit to something in the long-term if I feel that it will start tiny sparks of change. Sure, a job would allow me to contribute to the welfare of this nation and it can make that tiny spark happen but the spark I want is in a different context, the one that causes change. I don't intend to be a politician or an orator who can move masses. I don't have to be the catalyst of said change but rather, I would like to be one of the many multitude of drops in that ocean. After all, what is an ocean but a multitude of those drops? I hope to transform or incite something the way journalists do, wielding that pen of theirs which is mightier than the sword. I also hope that one day, I'll be able to self-actualise in that sense. In what specific form though, that's yet to be determined.
Also, post-GE13 has resulted in me feeling more contented than I used to be. I no longer feel the need to emigrate as at this point, I've segregated that your government does not define your beloved nation. I am no longer the person who desperately wants to gain a PR elsewhere and reside at the respective country permanently. If there's any form of emigration I am interested in though, it's only on a temporary basis to study my Masters/PhD after which I'll bring back some ideas to this nation and in turn generate more ideas from those. I now finally know what it feels like to be attached to your country.
Finally, after so much badgering from my friends I have decided to start playing frisbee the next time they have a pick-up. Something merely recreational to fulfill that restlessness temporarily now that I am not longer affliated to debate (though there is a chance that I will go to tournaments as an independent, I still occasionally miss debate) and I'm not sure if I'll get serious with it.
Also, thanks Mr. Kee, for reminding me once again of the power of journalism or writers.
Then there comes the matter of debate. I have stopped debating for more than a year now at this point. Likewise, I thought debate was my thing but this time, I'm certain that it isn't. Not anymore. Despite that my debating days were some of the best days I've admittedly had because people were open to the discourse of various ideas without any inhibitions, the same inhibitions created by the culture of fear in our society or the lack of openness. I didn't have to worry about people constantly bringing religion into the picture either when discussing about various matters because everything was discussed in a context that was religion-free, in and out of debater unless we were having a religious debate. I was also less of a headless chicken in those days because I constantly scrutinised myself to ensure that I would not deteriorate into that mental state. Honestly, I was more or less that headless chicken 3 days prior to polling day because by now, any Malaysian would tell you that politics here plays on emotions rather than policy-making. Heck, I even signed the White House Administration petition. I did regret it for awhile but in my defence, it was an act that felt largely symbolic. I wasn't expecting anything from it because petitions on the website are strictly for those with fundamental rights as a U.S. citizen so it wasn't even legitimate to begin with but rather, it's there to garner international attention. *hears background clamour about Malaysia being placed in the spotlight for the wrong reasons again* Also, there were a lot of talks regarding the U.S. exploiting us because as a friend of mine asked: How has any country with oil benefited from U.S.A at all? To begin with, we're a moderate Muslim country friendly to the U.S.A. so doesn't it seem unlikely that the U.S.A. will just exploit our newly elected government? I think I should also add that there aren't many Muslim countries that enjoy a similar position.
At the time of typing this, I've just finished reading Kee Thuan Chye's No More Bullshit, Please, We're All Malaysians. To be honest, I like the last chapter which shed some light on his life and where he's coming from better compared to the political bits (despite being mindblown from the Baling Talks revelation). I have so much respect for Mr. Kee. I don't have many Malaysian role models besides the likes Hannah Yeoh, Yeoh Bee Yin, Saifuddin Abdullah or Farish A. Noor so I guess I can add another one to the list now. Mr. Kee isn't a role model in my book for his works (though they're good) but rather, his values as an individual. He strictly believes in holding journalism integrity and there are many instances when he hands down defied his superiors because he felt that what ensued politically at that point of time wasn't sound. He also reminded me once again of the power of journalism and its ability to move masses. When has journalism failed to move masses? Whatever they choose to write or omit is their version of the truth to the society. Journalists are dangerous people to stifling entities. Think of the revolutions in this world that journalists have inspired. In the Malaysian context, think about the awareness Sin Chiew Jit Poh has created. I do wish that there were other forms of media in English or Bahasa Malaysia so that I would be able to read and understand what is being written because I can't even read Mandarin to save my life. Then again, the catch is that when media is printed in form that is largely understood by the masses, the stifling entities feel more need to scrutinise them.
So yes, I have been feeling extremely restless after the elections. It isn't only after that, I've been feeling restless the whole time and that sense of restlessness only intensified post-GE13. I have tried to be one of those people who are contented and sit still with consumerism or other things to fulfill themselves but it isn't me. Despite consumerism being a Malaysian past-time, I don't buy it. Of course, I am guilty of buying good books (positive consumerism) and games (negative consumerism?) in the same manner that my friends shop for clothes (negative consumerism?) but at the end of the day I still don't feel fulfilled. I agree with what Mr. Kee said regarding most Malaysians being intellectually shallow due to the push towards consumerism and that there is less focus on cultural sustenance. Isn't there more to life than just mere shopping? This blog is also witness to the restlessness I've been feeling (wow it's been 8 years! Of restlessness.) as shown by my tendency to import, export, delete posts and also the constant relinking it has been a victim of abuse to. Since your blog is pretty much an extension of yourself or how you want the world to perceive you (I try to be as truthful as possible, so far so good), it only goes to show how restless I have been feeling!
In any case, I've been trying to justify why I feel that sort of restlessness in the past few weeks and what I've realised also justifies why I have commitment issues (not in the relationship sense!). To begin with, I have a long and consistent history of not committing to a club for more than a year. Try asking either one of my high school friends. I won't launch into a detailed explanation of the many clubs or societies I have joined and quit in the past many years of my life but I am struck by the realisation that I will only commit to something in the long-term if I feel that it will start tiny sparks of change. Sure, a job would allow me to contribute to the welfare of this nation and it can make that tiny spark happen but the spark I want is in a different context, the one that causes change. I don't intend to be a politician or an orator who can move masses. I don't have to be the catalyst of said change but rather, I would like to be one of the many multitude of drops in that ocean. After all, what is an ocean but a multitude of those drops? I hope to transform or incite something the way journalists do, wielding that pen of theirs which is mightier than the sword. I also hope that one day, I'll be able to self-actualise in that sense. In what specific form though, that's yet to be determined.
Also, post-GE13 has resulted in me feeling more contented than I used to be. I no longer feel the need to emigrate as at this point, I've segregated that your government does not define your beloved nation. I am no longer the person who desperately wants to gain a PR elsewhere and reside at the respective country permanently. If there's any form of emigration I am interested in though, it's only on a temporary basis to study my Masters/PhD after which I'll bring back some ideas to this nation and in turn generate more ideas from those. I now finally know what it feels like to be attached to your country.
Finally, after so much badgering from my friends I have decided to start playing frisbee the next time they have a pick-up. Something merely recreational to fulfill that restlessness temporarily now that I am not longer affliated to debate (though there is a chance that I will go to tournaments as an independent, I still occasionally miss debate) and I'm not sure if I'll get serious with it.
Also, thanks Mr. Kee, for reminding me once again of the power of journalism or writers.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
Don't stop, keep running
It scares me that history may be repeating itself, and I may not realise it because my judgments are too clouded to see anything through that mist. It scares me that I may not have learnt my lesson after what happened, only to fall into the same abyss and make the same mistakes all over again. The signs may be so apparent that history is repeating itself but I just don't seem to see it or take heed. Perhaps this time, I may not come out less unscathed like the last time. Just when you think that you have things sorted out, something else comes knocking on the door. Except this time, I may be the one knocking on the door. Maybe I did too the last time.
Also, what does it mean when you dream of being chased?
Also, what does it mean when you dream of being chased?
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
The other side of the door
One of the many discoveries I made on my perpetual soul-searching journey which I shall now mention here: Good grief some bits of my blog are so superficial, especially the filler posts. Were you expecting more than that discovery? Hahaha I'm sorry to disappoint but rest assured, no more of those superficial posts.
I think my main issue here is the thin red line between pouring out yourself entirely to the world (never going to happen) and how much you should relate to your readers. Also, the small part of me which is a slight attention-seeker doesn't want to privatise this blog. There, I've said it. Don't judge me!
On a side note, I have been in a daze since GE-13 and I have no idea as to why I've been walking around like a mindless zombie, which is pretty obvious, given the blur responses I have been giving people around me a lot i.e. The inability to tell people my opinions properly - it's as though I have lost the ability to socialize which is pretty scary. The only times I perk up are when topics of conversation include games, game references, ALTA, Korra, GoT, Marvel or DC. I think I'm going down a downward spiral of mental state degeneration. My brain shuts down and I feel like a carrot half the time.
Stupid carrots.
I think my main issue here is the thin red line between pouring out yourself entirely to the world (never going to happen) and how much you should relate to your readers. Also, the small part of me which is a slight attention-seeker doesn't want to privatise this blog. There, I've said it. Don't judge me!
On a side note, I have been in a daze since GE-13 and I have no idea as to why I've been walking around like a mindless zombie, which is pretty obvious, given the blur responses I have been giving people around me a lot i.e. The inability to tell people my opinions properly - it's as though I have lost the ability to socialize which is pretty scary. The only times I perk up are when topics of conversation include games, game references, ALTA, Korra, GoT, Marvel or DC. I think I'm going down a downward spiral of mental state degeneration. My brain shuts down and I feel like a carrot half the time.
Stupid carrots.
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Did they kill Iron Man 3?
Note: Major spoilers ahead.
I have mixed feelings about Iron Man 3. It's pretty obvious that at this point, the Iron Man 3 audiences have been divided into two camps, the first being those who have read the comics and second being those who only know the Marvel universe by virtue of the movies.
The first camp is mostly filled with disappointment due to the fact that Mandarin's character felt understated and wasn't played out to its full extent. The second camp is more or less happy with the movie and at this point I should note that there are two sub-camps for this camp. The first sub-camp is happy with the twists introduced in the movie. For instance, most people would expect Tony to take Harley (who has an awesome childhood due to his encounter if I might add) along for the ride rather than leave him behind. The other twist is the fact that the Mandarin is actually Aldrich Killian when everyone thought it was Ben Kingsley's character, Trevor, though some of you may have seen that coming. The second sub-camp feels that the plot is mediocrely plotted, with Harley put in as a filler and the fact that you don't feel the soul in Iron Man with all his suits lifelessly flying around. Here's a fun fact. For those of you who did not read the comics, did you know that (Edwin) Jarvis is in fact the Avengers' butler in one of the many Marvel parallel universes? When he died defending the Avengers in one of the comics Tony Stark took his brain patterns and modelled the AI J.A.R.V.I.S. as seen in the movies after that. His death also attributed to Tony Stark's descent into alcoholism. So in response to my previous statement, perhaps the suits aren't all that lifeless after all. Also, in the comics, Aldrich Killian was one of the scientists behind the Extremis project.
I happen to be from the first camp except I'm not shattered by the movie. To begin with, I was rather disappointed that Mandarin wasn't Asian but I understand that the producers wanted to avoid the Fu Manchu stereotype so that was understandable. The purists (which I usually am but strangely not this time) may not agree with that but then again, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Besides that, anyone who has read the comics would know that the Mandarin is indeed Tony Stark's greatest archenemy. While 2 hours is not enough to full develop a character as badass as this, they could have at least shown us the Ten Rings of Power, which is truly where Mandarin gets his powers from. What we saw was Trevor Slattery using the Ten Rings but what he really is, is the face of Mandarin. Where did the Ten Rings go to after he was unmasked and why wasn't Aldrich Killian wearing them despite having those dragon tattoos (later in the movie it's shown) which show Mandarin's essence?
However, like I said, I'm not shattered by the movie. Why? After the ending credits, in a cut-scene between Tony and Bruce, it was mentioned that "Tony Stark will be back". Now, I'm not sure if that refers to Iron Man 4 or Avengers 2 but last I read, Robert Downey Jr.'s contract for the Marvel movies have expired and the producers have renewed it. So perhaps this movie was made in mind with RDJ's contract expiring and perhaps in the midst of filming while his contract was renewed, all else that has happened in the movie is a foreboding of what is to come in Iron Man 4, in which we may see the full extent of Mandarin's powers. Maybe Trevor Slattery really is the Mandarin and all that has happened was a front. But if so, how can you explain the whole new source of Mandarin's powers which Aldrich Killian has obtained, which isn't in the comics? Again, we're not certain if the Iron Man movies will be renewed but I'm sure that the producers would not be so careless as to undermine Mandarin's character or dismiss him so easily as he is, after all, Tony's greatest archenemy. So yes, I am of mixed feelings because it's too early to jump to conclusions. I guess we'll wait and see?
Another fun fact: In Chinese mythology, the Qilin is a creature with a dragon's head and a horse's body. In different variations some may have a lion's body. The character Aldrich Killian's name rhymes with the Qilin. Qilins are also the statue creatures found next to Mandarin's throne. I'm not sure if that was intended by the producers but it's just something I noticed.
I have mixed feelings about Iron Man 3. It's pretty obvious that at this point, the Iron Man 3 audiences have been divided into two camps, the first being those who have read the comics and second being those who only know the Marvel universe by virtue of the movies.
The first camp is mostly filled with disappointment due to the fact that Mandarin's character felt understated and wasn't played out to its full extent. The second camp is more or less happy with the movie and at this point I should note that there are two sub-camps for this camp. The first sub-camp is happy with the twists introduced in the movie. For instance, most people would expect Tony to take Harley (who has an awesome childhood due to his encounter if I might add) along for the ride rather than leave him behind. The other twist is the fact that the Mandarin is actually Aldrich Killian when everyone thought it was Ben Kingsley's character, Trevor, though some of you may have seen that coming. The second sub-camp feels that the plot is mediocrely plotted, with Harley put in as a filler and the fact that you don't feel the soul in Iron Man with all his suits lifelessly flying around. Here's a fun fact. For those of you who did not read the comics, did you know that (Edwin) Jarvis is in fact the Avengers' butler in one of the many Marvel parallel universes? When he died defending the Avengers in one of the comics Tony Stark took his brain patterns and modelled the AI J.A.R.V.I.S. as seen in the movies after that. His death also attributed to Tony Stark's descent into alcoholism. So in response to my previous statement, perhaps the suits aren't all that lifeless after all. Also, in the comics, Aldrich Killian was one of the scientists behind the Extremis project.
I happen to be from the first camp except I'm not shattered by the movie. To begin with, I was rather disappointed that Mandarin wasn't Asian but I understand that the producers wanted to avoid the Fu Manchu stereotype so that was understandable. The purists (which I usually am but strangely not this time) may not agree with that but then again, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Besides that, anyone who has read the comics would know that the Mandarin is indeed Tony Stark's greatest archenemy. While 2 hours is not enough to full develop a character as badass as this, they could have at least shown us the Ten Rings of Power, which is truly where Mandarin gets his powers from. What we saw was Trevor Slattery using the Ten Rings but what he really is, is the face of Mandarin. Where did the Ten Rings go to after he was unmasked and why wasn't Aldrich Killian wearing them despite having those dragon tattoos (later in the movie it's shown) which show Mandarin's essence?
I also didn't feel like enough effort was put into this movie, I felt slightly detached from some parts of the storyline, for instance, Harley's character was instantaneously dropped off. Then came the bit where Pepper had Mandarin's powers too. That was redonkulous! It felt like a typical Ultraman storyline where the fallen hero suddenly revives when all seems bleak and comes back to save the day.
However, like I said, I'm not shattered by the movie. Why? After the ending credits, in a cut-scene between Tony and Bruce, it was mentioned that "Tony Stark will be back". Now, I'm not sure if that refers to Iron Man 4 or Avengers 2 but last I read, Robert Downey Jr.'s contract for the Marvel movies have expired and the producers have renewed it. So perhaps this movie was made in mind with RDJ's contract expiring and perhaps in the midst of filming while his contract was renewed, all else that has happened in the movie is a foreboding of what is to come in Iron Man 4, in which we may see the full extent of Mandarin's powers. Maybe Trevor Slattery really is the Mandarin and all that has happened was a front. But if so, how can you explain the whole new source of Mandarin's powers which Aldrich Killian has obtained, which isn't in the comics? Again, we're not certain if the Iron Man movies will be renewed but I'm sure that the producers would not be so careless as to undermine Mandarin's character or dismiss him so easily as he is, after all, Tony's greatest archenemy. So yes, I am of mixed feelings because it's too early to jump to conclusions. I guess we'll wait and see?
Another fun fact: In Chinese mythology, the Qilin is a creature with a dragon's head and a horse's body. In different variations some may have a lion's body. The character Aldrich Killian's name rhymes with the Qilin. Qilins are also the statue creatures found next to Mandarin's throne. I'm not sure if that was intended by the producers but it's just something I noticed.
Friday, 8 February 2013
Iko Iko un-day
Watching this video brings me back to my golden kindergarten days. We were asked to memorise and sing this song. It was Tribal Week and there I was, warily trying out a stapler for the first time in my life to put my Red Indian headdress together, pressing it apprehensively and twitching whenever the stapler bullets were clicked together. Trust me, using a stapler back then was rather intimidating given the various unnerving warnings adults give about how a stapler bullet can be stapled into your skin rather than the originally intended if one does not exercise care. Naturally, being a kid, the thought of lying on a surgical table (I really thought that all the severely injured end up there back then) and having an incision done to remove it was horrifying. But back to my Red Indian headdress. Having stapled all my leaves to my cardboard strip, my final product was absolutely satisfactory and my victory was quickly preceded by my own howl of victory, in the form of a Red Indian Battle Cry (which my kindy taught as well), where one simply says a continuous Woowoowoo without stopping and slapping your mouth at the same time. I eventually learnt as I grew up that the battle cry was something Old Westerns fabricated to stereotype Red Indians/Native Americans though so no, they didn't really do it.
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| Darn the leaf in front is drooping. Yes, I had a boy's haircut back then. The combination of sports and unmanageable long hair did not bode well for me. |
Jockamo-feena-nay!
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
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